


Suffering from a broken heart

by Grimmy_hild



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22481632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grimmy_hild/pseuds/Grimmy_hild
Summary: Jean had made some mistakes and is slowly becoming aware of her current situation. She must overcome her fears in order to get her life back on track and perhaps heal her broken heart too.
Relationships: Jean Milburn/Jakob Nyman
Comments: 49
Kudos: 215





	1. About broken promises and smoothies

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I'm publishing here. I have never written in English before… So I apologize for any mistakes. Feel free to correct me ^^

It had been more than just a stupid kiss which had led to their broke up. 

Jakob had made it clear to her that he wanted a firm relationship and not just occasional sex. At that time, she had admitted that it weren't just the pheromones. That she wanted more, too. That although it had been a long time since she had a relationship, she was willing to give it a chance. Provided it wouldn't affect Otis and Ola's relationship. Otis came first. That would never change. The hiding game went well for a while. Of course, he had been asking her more often than she would have liked, when they would tell the children. He didn't want to be anybody‘s dirty secret. And he shouldn't be. He was a good man. The fact that he had been so patient with her showed that.

She sipped her tea and sighed.

He was really a good man. And she had ruined everything.

It had been a shock moment when they got caught by Otis and Ola. She had no more excuses to avoid a real relationship. Of course it had been the worst conceivable variant, in which the children learned about it. Her son had fallen down the stairs. But at that moment Jean hadn't even thought about his possible problems. She had been panic-stricken. 

Looking back, she was sure that something had happened sexually that had been embarrassing for him. He didn't liked to talk about it, but she should have insisted. Instead, she had been busy in her head trying to come up with an explanation. She had been aware from the beginning that it would not be easy. That's why she had insisted on keeping it a secret. That he had been with Ola at that time was just another good reason. Keeping it a secret.

Otis had been deeply hurt. After all, he had specifically asked her not to get involved with Ola's father. Jean had broken her promise. Because she thought it might work. For the first time in a long time. For her. She had looked into Jacob's eyes. In the eyes of a man who had mourned for his dead wife for a long time. Still did. But now, for the first time. . .

Nevermind. 

Jean tipped down the last sip and put the cup back on the table.

Otis hadn't believed them. He had thought it was a bad joke. He had taken it as badly as she had expected. She had been prepared for it. Or. . . no, not really. A small part of her had been still hoping that maybe he wouldn't be so angry about it. But unfortunately this had not been the case. Well, it probably wouldn't have improved the whole situation anyway. She couldn't blame him. Not then and not now. What really hurt her was that it was an unrealistic idea for Otis.

_My mum doesn’t date… What, you mean like casual sex?_

Apparently, he didn't think she was suitable. For a relationship.

Now his mind had changed. Probably not about her being able to have a relationship. But about the concept that she was trying. With Jacob. While Jacob and her had been together, he had behaved very childishly. They had always been embarrassing situations. Now it was over and Otis was finally at peace with the fact that she was back in a relationship. 

Only that now it was too late. She had been trying with Jakob. But she failed.

Otis had been right. She wasn't made for dating. For being in a relationship with boundaries. Not that she didn't knew it before.

Jakob had annoyed her with his stuff. The coins. The shelves. His smoothies. Even the long showers. This sudden intimacy had terrified her. And instead of talking about it, she had kept it quiet… and kissed her ex-husband.   
Hell. She would give anything for Jakob standing here in the kitchen offering her a smoothie. She had never tried one. The loud noise in the early mornings had annoyed her too much. Probably his homemade smoothies tasted as good as his homemade soups. Now she would never know.

Her eyes had been burning the whole time. Jean felt the hot drops roll out of her eyes.

Great. She thought about the fact that she had broken her promises. Her promise to Jacob that she would have a firm relationship with him. That she would try. That she did her best (Had she really done that?). Without things like a kiss with her ex-husband, who she couldn't even stand anymore. Her promise to Otis that she would never get involved with Jacob. And her promise to herself that she would never do anything to hurt her son. To disappoint her son. Just like Remi always did.

And why did she started crying? Because of a fucking smoothie!

She angrily wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her dress. Then she looked at her watch. It was after midnight. Otis had been away after the musical and came back around ten o'clock. With a hopeful face. He hadn't told her where he'd been, of course. It was none of her business. Although he had defended her during the musical and later gave her his okay for Jakob. . . The thing with the sex therapy clinic at school still hung between them. She was sitting here alone on her couch. Instead of watching a cult movie together with her son like they used to do. Jean longed to go back to those times. Before a certain man with kind blue eyes had entered her life. When her life had been much easier. Painless even.

 _If you want to get back together with Jakob, I‘m cool with it._

Jean sniffed and pulled her legs close to her body to embrace them with both arms.

She suffered from a broken heart.

She was perimenopausal. 

_No more annoying only-child behavior._

And she was pregnant at her age. 

No husband. No boyfriend. No occasional sex partner.

She was all alone.

She should tell Jacob. It would be unethical not to.

But then again. He was a responsible man and there was a chance that he would take her back just because she was pregnant. She didn't want that. Jacob had told her that she was not the right one for him. She wasn't the partner he wanted. Which he needed… and also the risk of miscarriage was very high, due to her age. 

Jean bit her lower lip. She had put her chin down on her knees, as she was quite tired. The whole day had been exhausting. The visit to her doctor with the… news. She briefly closed her eyes. The musical, in which the attention had unfortunately also been focused on her. Jacob, the way he had looked at her when he had passed Otis and her. She didn‘t know how to interpret this look…

She forced herself to stand up. Her body ached from her previous position. She brought the cup into the kitchen and put it in the sink. The empty pizza box was still lying around, but she had neither the strength nor the interest to clean it up.

Tomorrow would be a new day.

Her problems didn't run away.

They would still be there.


	2. At night fears become real

The room was dark.

Jean had slept for about two and a half hours, but now she was bright awake. Tired, but awake and she couldn't go back to sleep.

Jakob.

His look had burned itself into her memory. She wonderd what was going through his head. Was he as miserable as she was? Had he already made his peace with their break-up? Jean had no doubt that he would find a new partner. One that was more suited to him and ready for that kind of intimacy he longed for.

She stared into the darkness. Imagined that his body would lie next to her and radiate his warmth.  
She wanted to feel him. His body against hers. His big warm hands on her skin. She wanted his fingers to draw circles on her shoulders. His low breath in her ear. She wanted… No she needed Jakobs blue eyes to look at her. His mouth saying that everything would be fine.

Damn it. The last time she missed a man like that was a long time ago. It had been no other than her ex-husband. Though he had several times cheated on her, she had missed him when he was gone. Of course she had told herself that it was better that way. But she had felt so lonely and unloved… He had hurt her in a way she never wanted anyone else to ever hurt her again.

Well, here she was. Mourning for a man, who left her too. Again with a broken heart. This time it was entirely her fault.

But her broken heart was not the only thing that caused her pain and wouldn‘t let her sleep.

She hesitant layed her right hand on her stomach. There wasn't any bumb yet. Just her old skin, which had already expanded once many years ago.

For a human being.

For a child.

For a _baby_.

The thought was frightening. Having a child at her age. To rise it alone. Again.   
She tore her hand up as if she had burned it. Then she brought it to her mouth. Her whole body shaked from her sobs.

She couldn't do it. She just… Couldn't do it. Jean tried to breathe slowly. Her heart was racing with panic. At her doctor's office she had been heart broken and shocked. Now realization hit her. She was pregnant. Really pregnant. Jean hadn't repressed it, but she was only now becoming aware of this fact. Really aware. 

Maybe because she hadn't any symptoms. Yet. She wasn't far. Seven Weeks. That were not even two months. What meant that she had one month to make a decision. When it wasn't made for her. She knew the risk and chances.   
Suddenly, a wave of nausea hit her. Jean closed her eyes. She didn't know whether it was a sudden symptom of her pregnancy or panic. What was she going to do?

Jean had always thought about having a second child. When Otis was a little bit older. Just a couple of years so he wouldn't be a toddler anymore. But now? Not long and he would be an adult! And she never pictured herself to marry someone after Remi. She hadn't wanted a relationship and a baby just by herself? Maybe with a sperm donor? No, she had Otis and that was enough. She loved her son and she saw what his rarely seen dad did to him. Nevertheless she sometimes had thought about it. When she hit 40 it had stopped.

A second wave of nausea hit her. Making it far to real.

No, she couldn't do this alone. Jean had made an appointment with her gynecologist to talk about an possible abortion. Or about what would happen when she would decide to try to have this baby.   
She didn't know how she should decide. It would be easier to have a miscarriage. Immediately she felt remorse and her hand flew protectively back to her stomach. It felt like her organs were distributing.

Fuck. Fuck this fucking shit.

So she didn't want… No, not want, she couldn't have a baby on her own. But she also couldn't bear the thought of losing it.

The ceiling seemed to came closer and she had that pain in her chest again. 

Jean crawled out of bed and threw her yellow robe over, which had been laying next to her side of bed. She paused for a moment. The sides both belonged to her. There wasn't anybody to share. 

She groped blindly to the door. There was some light in the hallway, which irritated her. Jean went downstairs and saw that the lights in the kitchen were on. 

“Otis?“, she asked surprised. For no apparent reason she more likely expected that she forgot to turn of the light than to meet her son in the middle of the night. He stood in front of the open fridge. In one hand a bottle of water and in the other hand his phone.   
He turned around and closed the fridge with his foot. His forehead was wrinkled and he stared at his phone. As if he was waiting for something. Then he looked in her face.

“Mum“, he said, his gaze wandered to the clock on the kitchen wall. 

“Why are you still awake? Did something happen?“, she asked as she went to the kettle and checked the water level. 

“No“ Otis put his phone on the kitchen counter to open his bottle of water. He took a mouthful. “Just thirsty.“

Jean let the water boil and got a cup from the cupboard. She gave him a look, but didn't ask. His business, she repeated in her head. He would just get angry when she started asking him questions he didn't want to answer. 

Nevertheless, she replied: “If you want to talk… I'm here.“

She was again surprised as he just smiled slightly at her. 

“I know that I wasn't easy the last weeks and that your still angry at me. So thank you. Good night.“ With that said he got his phone and left. 

“Sleep well!“, she called after him just as the kettle started to pipe. 

With a fresh tea she went back to her bedroom. Carefully she nipped, closed her eyes and tried to relax. It wouldn't help when she didn't get her rest. What she needed was a good amount of sleep.

Thankfully her first patients came at ten o'clock and not earlier. They were a nice older couple. Mr. And Mrs. Baker hadn't real problems. They just wanted to know how they could spice up their sex life.

Also they didn't knew about the incident at Otis school. If only she knew which asshole did this. Making private problems public. She shook her head. There truly were evil people in this world. 

Jean drank her tea and snuggled into the blanket. Yawning, she closed her eyes and tried to banish all thoughts.


	3. Through the stomach

The sun was shining and despite the cool wind it was pleasant outside. Soon the autumn would start. Therefore she enjoyed it all the more to sit in her favorite chair with a thin blanket covering her body. From the terrace you had a beautiful view, which had a calming effect on her mind.

Jean put one of the cookies in her mouth and closed her eyes, enjoying the taste. Two different kinds of chocolate pieces melted on her tongue. A mixture from heaven. The cookies were neither too hard nor too soft. And they didn't crumbel to much. They were damn good. Mrs. Baker had brought them to thank her. Jean didn‘t expect such gestures from her patients, but it was always a nice surprise.

On her lap she balanced her laptop. An article about late maternal happiness was open.

 _Late mothers are usually financially secure._ You could say that. Fortunately she didn‘t have money worries.

 _Women over 40 generally maintain a healthy and active lifestyle, which includes a balanced diet and regular exercise._ Jean looked at the cookie jar that was standing on the small table next to her. And thought of all the food she always ordered when she didn't felt like cooking. Well… and when was the last time she actually rode her bike?

 _Older pregnant women usually live in a stable and happy relationship. Late mothers are usually no longer afraid of missing something in life._ Jean pulled a face. It went further, but she clicked the article away and rather stuffed another cookie in her mouth.

At the very bottom of the page another article had been linked. About the risks, but Jean wasn’t brave enough to open it. She knew that this was a high-risk pregnancy. But she was afraid to find out more about the exactly risks. Her stomach turned at the thought of it. She would put it off for a while. It would only make her worry more and she had enough of that.

Jean was pretty sure she wanted to try it. It made her tremble with panic, but an abortion did even more so. Again a feeling of nausea arose in her. It had been like this all day. Ever since she had got up. Fresh air and a calming tea had helped, but this time it got worse within seconds.

She hastily closed the laptop and put it on the floor. She got half tangled up in the blanket and just dragged it with her when she made a run to the downstairs bathroom. Just in time she opened the toilet lid and threw up. Acid burned in her throat and she got dizzy for a moment. At least the article didn’t say that older pregnant women were better able to cope with the nausea. Because that was definitely not true. Jean felt like she had caught a bad flu. Or was so drunk that she barely remembered her own name.

After she had thrown up, she sat on the cold floor and remembered that night with Maureen. The chaos in her house, the drunk boy on her couch and the naked girl in Otis bed when she came home. Yes, Otis had really not been easy lately, but that was typical for his age. Even though Jean hadn't necessarily expected this kind of outbreak from her son. But what really stuck in her mind was how much she had drunk that night. She stared at the vomit stain on her blanket.

It had been a really nice evening. Even though in her drunk and sweaty state she had realized how much she missed Jacob and how much she had fucked up. But she had really drunk a lot. A wave of fear seized her. Would there be consequences now? Or was she more or less on the safe side, since nothing had happened so far?

Yeah, really enough things to worry about.

She got up and swayed a little so she had to support herself on the wall. She pressed the flush again in the hope that the smell of vomit would disappear completely. After that she went to the sink. Her pale face stared at her in the mirror. The make-up was blurred and you could see the dark circles under her eyes. Jean washed her mouth several times. Then she shrugged and sprayed also cold water in her face.

Jean washed the blanket and directly turned on the washing machine with it. She went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Lost in thoughts, she stared out the window. The sun had disappeared and the trees rushed from the increasing wind. Jean not only saw, but also heard the rain coming down harder.

The terrace door was still open.

Shit.

She rushed outside and rescued her laptop. Then she remembered the cookies and got them too. Luckily she had closed the jar. Breathing heavily, she stood leaning against the closed door. Jean clasped the jar tightly. And then, without warning, she started sobbing.

“Pull yourself together, Jean“, she thought “it’s just rain.“

“I’m home, mum. Is it okay if Eric comes by later?“ Otis took off his shoes and waited for an answer.

“Mum?“, he asked again when there wasn’t a sign of life. Wasn't she here? Her car was parked outside. Or was Jakob here? No, he got his license back. Then his car would be in front of the house.

“Kitchen!“

Otis put his bag down and hung up his jacket. Next he went in the direction from which her voice had come. Raindrops were streaming down his forehead.

“What are you doing?“ He stood beside his mother, who had a recipe in front of her.

She tapped a spot several times and muttered: “That’s what i forgot…“

Then she looked at him. “I’m making a salad dressing.“, she said. After a moment she added: “Don’t look at me like that. I wanted to try something new.“

Otis raised both arms defensively “I didn't say anything, did I?“

His mother ignored his answer and poured something into the mixture.

“So it's okay if Eric comes by?“, he asked more hesitantly than usual.

“Just Eric? No wild house party?“

Otis lowered his head in shame. That night, he had messed up a lot. “Just Eric.“

She sighed an nodded.

“Fine, but remember, you have school tomorrow.“

“Thank you!“ Otis grinned and disappeared upstairs to his room.

Jean sat down at the table and tried the salad. A little bitter, but otherwise he had become quite good. After a few bites the nausea came back and she had to stop eating. That's when her phone rang. Her heart started pounding faster. It could be Jakob. But then she shook her head. Why would he call her?

She looked at the display and picked up.

“Hello Maureen!“, she greeted her new friend and tried to sound happy.

The two women talked on the phone for a while. Maureen told her that things were difficult with her still husband right now. She also asked if they wanted to hang out tomorrow evening. Jean agreed and they arranged a girls night at her house. Maureen had apparently never seen Notting Hill with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant.

Hopefully a night with Maureen would give her something to distract her. Especially since she had an appointment with her doctor in the morning.


	4. This kind of kidney infection

It was pretty quiet that friday morning. Besides her, there was only one other woman sitting in the waiting room. Jean had folded her hands in her lap and stared at the abstract painting hanging on the wall opposite. With the bright colors it made the room look more friendly. Ever since she came into this practice, the picture had been hanging there. Some things never changed.

The door opened.

“Mrs. Bradbury?"

The other woman, who was probably ten years older than her, stood up. Jean looked after her. The door closed with a click. Now she was alone in the waiting room. She could still hear the footsteps in the corridor, but then it was quiet. The silence made her nervous. Even more than she already was.

On the table in the middle of the room were the typical gossip magazines, information brochures and medical newspapers. She toyed with the idea of randomly taking something to read, but then decided against it. Instead, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and checked for the hundredth time if she had any new messages. But nothing.

Secretly, she hoped that one of her patients would cancel for the afternoon. Jean shook her head over herself. She had already taken the morning off and postponed all her appointments so that she could be here.

Time passed slowly. In her mind she went through her last visit, which was only two days ago. Her doctor had done several tests to be sure of the result, but there was no time for a first ultrasound. Otherwise Jean would have been late for the performance at school. That‘s why they had arranged the appointment for today. Just to be on the safe side and to talk about her options. Now that the shock was over. More or less.

“Mrs. Milburn?“

Jean winced. She had been so lost in thought that she hadn‘t noticed the door opening.

“Yes“, she answered somewhat irritated and put on a nervous smile. She followed the doctor's assistant and sat down on one of the green chairs. She looked at the blue couch. She had been sitting there when the news had collapsed over her.  
Jean waited for a few minutes until her doctor came in, shook her hand briefly and then sat down at her desk.

“How have you been feeling?“, the doctor asked with a sympathetic look.

“Well…“ Jean paused for a moment “my apparent kidney infection hasn’t improved“, she tried to joke.

“And apart from your broken heart syndrome?“

“I threw up.“

“Okay“, her doctor nodded.

“And insomnia, some hot flashes… And I still feel very tired“, Jean went on “So the typical symptoms of perimenopause. . . and of course of a pregnancy.“

She paused and tried to find the right words.

“I have… decided to continue the pregnancy.“ Jean formulated slowly.

She was waiting for herself to feel relieved. Now that she had said it out loud for the first time, but it only made her more afraid.

The doctor smiled slightly. “Good… now I wanted to talk to you about your medical values. Since you decided to continue the pregnancy you will need to take some vitamins in addition.“   
She looked at her papers. “For some of them, there is now a particular need and your magnesium levels are a little low. I'll write down what I recommend. You should ensure a balanced diet and drink enough water. And rest. I know that's easier said than done, but you should try to avoid stress.“

“Of course.“ These things weren‘t new to her. She already had one pregnancy, but this one brought more risk. It was therefore all the more important that she tried to follow the recommendations.

“No drugs. No smoking and no alcohol, but you know that.“ As a doctor, she was obliged to list the most important things.“Well, let's do the ultrasound to see if everything's okay so far.“

The gel felt just as sticky on the skin as when she had been pregnant with Otis all those years ago. And she was just as excited.

“Here we have the little embryo. He or she has successfully settled in“, the doctor told her and smiled. “You can already see the heartbeat here. Would you like to hear it?“

Jean stared at the screen. Of course, not much could be seen yet, but it was enough as a final proof.

“Yes, please.“

When she heard the heartbeat of her baby for the first time, it filled her with both. Joy and fear. There was a little person she was responsible for. All right. It was still an embryo, but if all went well, it would develop into a baby. A little human. Half her. Half Jakob.

There. There was it again. This tight feeling around her chest.

She had to tell him. But she was afraid and didn‘t know how to confront him with such a message. First, because they were no longer in a… relationship. Secondly, since he obviously didn't want to have any more children. Otherwise, he wouldn't have had the vasectomy. And even if he wouldn't mind having a baby at his age. . . Jean was certainly not the woman he would have chosen.

How could she go for a classic family life? She wasn't even suited for a relationship. The thing with her ex-husband was catastrophic and she remembered very well the failed game evening with Otis and Ola. And she was so old. Far too old to make up for the lost years of a family life they never really had.

And yet she listened to her baby's heartbeat with a spark of hope.

It was raining outside. Jean hurried to her car and grabbed her chest in shock as she almost slipped in a puddle. Her hands were shaking so it took her longer than usual to put the key in. When she finally sat in the car, she breathed deeply and held the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles turned white.

She waited until the shaking had stopped and drove off. The windscreen wipers squeaked. The noise normally didn’t bother her, but right now it made her almost aggressive. She turned on the radio. Immediately Bonnie Tyler's raspy voice fulfilled the car.

_It's a heartache_  
_Nothing but a heartache_  
_Hits you when it's too late_  
_Hits you when you're down_

Jean was about to switch, but then she shrugged and joined in.

She parked the car by the side of the road. The rain had eased off a little. She had forgotten to go to the pharmacy next to her doctor. Fortunately, she had remembered this pharmacy here. It wasn't exactly on her way, but Jean didn't felt like turning around again.

She walked in and grabbed a shopping cart. From her handbag she pulled the doctor’s note. None of it was prescription only so she went through the shelves and put everything in her basket.

Jean was standing by the cash register when the door opened. Her purchase packed in a paper bag. She reached into her handbag for her wallet and didn’t pay attention to the man who had come in. For that reason she didn‘t notice how Jakob came directly to the counter. In his hand a prescription. She paid and waited for her change.

“Jean?“, she heard his familiar voice right behind her. She dropped her handbag in shock. Then turned to him. His face told her that he was just as surprised to see her here. She was frozen in place.

Jakob bent down and at that moment Jean saw that the envelope with her ultrasound picture had fallen out. A hot wave hit her and something like panic.

He picked them both up and put the envelope in the handbag for her. Totally unaware that he had just held the first picture of his child in his hands. A child he knew nothing about. 

The saleswoman cleared her throat. Jean accepted the change, put it in her wallet and then took her handbag back. Their hands touched for a brief moment. Her heart was beating like crazy. His gaze pierced her. But in a good way.

“Thank you“, she said quieter than usual.

Jakob pointed at her paperback. “I hope you're not sick“, he told her in a concerned tone.

“No!“, she answered a little too quickly. “Well… maybe a little bit. I think I'm coming down with a cold“, she added, not knowing how else to explain her major pharmacy purchase.

 _“Yes, I have this kind of kidney infection, eh I mean you maybe gave me something called a broken heart syndrome. Oh and I'm also pregnant with your child.“_ She could hardly say that.

They looked at each other. None of them really knew what else to say.

The saleswoman cleared her throat again. “Do you want to give me your prescription?“, she asked him “If not, please excuse me, but I have something else to do. The flu is going around and we're short staffed.“

“Yes, of course.“

Jakob smiled at her. “It was nice to see you, Jean.“

“Yeah… Well, I'd better get going… Patients and stuff. See you around!“

Jean left the pharmacy in a hurry. His eyes followed her. She could feel them in her back. Her heart was still beating wildly and her adrenaline level had certainly risen. Was that considered as stress she should avoid?


	5. Just a movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the movie Notting Hill

As soon as the last patient was gone, Jean let herself fall exhausted onto her sofa. She could hardly remember anything and hoped that she had at least taken thorough notes. Her whole body felt heavily and she had a terrible headache. She had really tried to concentrate, but her thoughts had a life of their own. Constantly they had gone back to Jakob and their brief encounter in the pharmacy this morning.

The front door opened. Then she heard Otis stomp up the stairs, followed by the slamming of his room door. The bang made her flinch and grab her forehead with a sigh. Apparently, she wasn't the only one having a bad day. Maybe she should ask what happened. But that wasn‘t worth the effort of getting up. Either he would just ignore her or he would throw words at her again and explain that his life was none of her business. She had told him that she was tired of always getting the bad moods of him. If he wanted to talk to her, he should make the first move.

Jean woke up in the dark. When did she fall asleep? What time was it? She jumped up and staggered when a dizzy spell hit her. Damn it. She turned on the light and squinted her eyes because of the brightness. A glance at the clock told her that Maureen would be there in less than an hour.

Jean knocked on Otis‘ door.

“Yes?“, his voice still sounded a little angry.

“Are you hungry? I wanted to cook some noodles with tomato sauce.“

“No, I’m not hungry.“

She sat alone at the table, ate her noodles and was glad that the nausea didn’t kicked in. This morning, before she had drove to the doctor, she had thrown up. The rest of the day she had been mostly spared, but she still had this headache.

Jean cleaned up the kitchen. Then she filled a bowl with microwave popcorn and another bowl with chips. Normally she would also fetch two wine glasses, but she took two normal ones. She had water, iced tea and cola standing cold.

Maureen bringing a bottle of wine hadn’t been a part of her plan. Jean explained to her that she had been to the doctor this morning and that she had been prescribed a few pills that didn’t work with alcohol. As reason she stated hormone fluctuations, which wasn’t even a lie. Just like her headache, of course. Thus alcohol wasn’t a good idea.

“We can have fun without alcohol“, said Maureen and grinned.

Jean put the film in. When she stood with her back to Maureen, she exhaled with relief. For a moment she had thought that she wouldn’t believe her. Although that was nonsensical. At her age, pregnancy would certainly not be the first thing one would suspect, but really hormonal imbalances or a headache.

It was a lovely evening. Even if she almost fell asleep a few times. The movie was a classic and Maureen seemed to like it too.

Until they got to the final scene. For the first time this scene gave Jean a stab in the heart and she was on the verge of crying. When Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant as Anna Scott and William Thacker are in the park together. They sit on a bench and he reads to her. His wife clearly pregnant. A happy couple expecting their first child. The perfect ending for a romantic movie.

She had never been so affected by the fact that her own life was anything but a romantic movie. Right now it felt more like a tragicomedy.

Later they talked about this and that. Mr. Groff had temporarily moved back into Maureen's home. After he had been sleeping at school for days. He had been sent on a time-out as director. Jean knew that he blamed her for the end of the relationship. She almost felt sorry for him, but she couldn't stand him. Had he been different before? As far as she knew, at least he hadn't cheated on Maureen. Like Remi.

Maureen also mentioned that Adam was more cheerful. Jean thought back to the performance and how the boy had interrupted it. To hold Eric's hand. At the next opportunity she had to talk to her son's best friend about it. She was curious.

Her new friend hadn't been there that night and Jean didn't say anything about it. It was Adam's job to talk with his mother.

Then it was about Jakob. Maureen seemed to feel that the broke-up was putting a strain on her.

_“I think I realized I’d become too independent for relationships.“_

Jean would have preferred to avoid this topic, but it was good to talk about it. She listed everything that had bothered her. Confessed the kiss with Remi and how she hadn’t taken it seriously enough. Finally, how he had broken up with her. Finally. He couldn't forgive her.

When Maureen had left and Jean was in the shower, his words floated in her head.

_“but I do know my boundaries.“_   
_“I can’t go through that kind of pain again.“_   
_“I’m not sure if I could get up. My girls need me.“_   
_“You’re not ready for the kind of intimacy I’m looking for.“_

She had accepted his words. She understood his reasons. She was hurting, but there was nothing more to talk about.

Jean thought of the picture that she had on her bedside cabinet.

Well, except this child.

She pressed her forehead against the shower screen and closed her eyes. The water splashed down on her neck and ran down her back, which had a calming effect on her.

Seven weeks. There was still enough time. More than a month. Five weeks until the most critical time was over. Maybe she could keep it a secret even longer. The odds were against her anyway.

And- if this child didn’t survive the next few weeks- no one would ever have to know.


	6. That's part of it

Otis picked at his cereal. Her son clearly looked too depressed for a saturday morning. She turned over her newspaper and watched him.

"Is something, mom?", he asked worked up.

"No", answered Jean and just gave the article her attention again.

Otis stood up. "I'm in my room."

"Okay." She nooded without glancing up.

"I have to do homework", he explained and she sensed that he had wanted to say something different.

"Have fun."

"Okaaay", he said stretched. He seemed to be bewildered and Jean got the feeling that he wanted her to _ask_. There was an unpleasant silence between them. Now Jean looked up from the article she had been more or less pretending to read.

"Is something, Otis?", she repeated his question from earlier.

"No!" He answered way too fast and went quickly.

She shook her head. If she waited long enough, he would tell her what was going on. Jean was still curious, after all he was _still_ her son, but the times when she had sniffed after him were over. Well, she tried to convince herself that this times were _really_ over.

There were reasons why she had done that. Spying on him. Her son hardly told her anything and the thing with the "sex clinic" at school had proved that he had many secrets. She had really hoped to not find the money. Would she have preferred drugs? She didn't know for sure, but unprofessional therapy could do a lot of harm.

Jean cleared the table and hummed to herself. In spite of everything she had woken up in a good mood. She had puked in the toilet as soon as she got up, but instead of feeling sorry for herself, she had looked at her reflection in the mirror and had stuck her tongue out. Life went on. She didn't know exactly how, but it went on. Somehow.

Today was a free day. Saturday. No clients. She was just planning on going shopping. The refrigerator was too empty for her taste. And she was really hungry for strawberries. Really hungry. It wasn't strawberry season, but maybe she could risk buying the strawberries from spain.

Jean got herself a glass of water and began to swallow her vitamins. Then she opened the window to let some air in. The air seemed so stuffy in the house. The sky was cloudy, but there wasn't any rain. Maybe she should go shopping right now. She went to get her jacket. It was autumn and she was a little bit looking forward to get her sweaters out. They had late september. Summer was over. She could wear thinner sweaters even now. Preferably those who were wide.

Jean wrote a shopping list and underlined the strawberries. She didn't know why. Actually she was quite sure that she wouldn't forget these sweet fruits. Then she wrote a note and left it on the dining table. In case Otis left his room wondering where she was. She grabbed her bag and left the house. She took a deep breath of the cool air and just enjoyed the nature for a brief moment before she got into her car and drove to the supermarket.

A big grin was on her face when she put the strawberries in her shopping cart. She walked through the aisles more indiscriminately than according to a plan and not infrequently she took something from the shelf, which wasn't on her shopping list. It was the same with the ice cream. Strawberry ice cream. She just couldn't resist.

Jean took her time as if she had all the time in the world. Here and there she met somebody she knew and had a little chat, but when her ice cream was almost defrosted she went to the cash register.

She was completely relaxed when she arrived home and put her purchase away. Only when she was standing in the storeroom, all done, a dark shadow overcame her good mood. She could still remember how much his noise had disturbed her. All he had wanted to do was a favor. She quickly repressed the thought of Jakob. She needed a good day. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?

Jean got the strawberry ice cream and a spoon. She sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and started eating straight from the can.  
"Hmm", she moaned with closed eyes and licked slowly her lips. That was some really good strawberry ice cream.

She still sat on the couch, the can of strawberry ice cream half empty, and watched some kind of reality show when Otis suddenly sat down next to her.

"Mum?", he asked and sounded a bit nervous.

Jean looked at him and pulled the spoon out of her mouth. "Yes?"

He hesitated. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course", she answered and searched his face for any indication about what it could be. She had been right. It was something he wanted to talk about. With her. He was no longer her little boy who told her all his secrets. He hid a lot from her and for that reason she was all the more curious about what it might be that he was willing to talk about with her.

"It's Eric. I'm worried… I actually would have liked to meet him today, but he has a kind of date…"

"You mean with Adam? Adam Groff?"

"Yeah, with Adam. You know him. He was here once. You smoked with him", he said grimacing by the thought of it. That day, and especially his mother's behavior, had brought him enough trouble.

"Thank you for that reminder, but I know very well who that troubled boy is. He is the one who interrupted the performance and was on stage with Eric", she explained and added "I'm friends with his mother."

"What? Since when?", Otis asked alarmed.

"She brings -brought- Mr. Groff his lunch and we started talking. Maureen is a lovely person. We also went out together when you wanted me out of the house. For your _little_ party. If you would have left your room last night, you could have found her here."

"Oh, okay."

"So… Why are you worried? Are you afraid that Eric doesn't have enough time for your friendship?"

"No, no that's not the problem. Adam. He used to bully Eric and many others. There were reasons why he left school. I'm afraid he'll hurt Eric."

"I understand, but that's part of it. I saw how Eric was beaming when Adam took his hand. He seemed very happy. As long as Adam doesn't do anything bad to him, there's no reason to do something. You can only watch and be there for Eric when he needs you. Support him", Jean telled her son and gave a smile.

"You're right…" Otis sighed.

She felt that there was something else, but before she could ask he changed the subject.

"So what's the deal with you and Jakob? Like I said. I don't mind and I promise not to act so childishly anymore."

Now it was her turn to sigh. "I'm afraid that it's too late", she whispered and tried to hold back her tears, but she couldn't suppress a soft sob.

Otis was surprised. It was rare for his mother to show such emotions. Apparently she really liked Jakob. Maybe she even loved this guy. Otis never thought he would think about something like that. About his mother loving a man. For too long his mother had rejected one admirer after the other. He felt guilty. Was it his fault? Had he prevented his mother from having a real relationship?

"I'm sorry", he said clearly uncomfortable.

Jean laughed briefly and rubbed her eyes. "It's all right. It just shouldn't be. I'm not the type for a relationship."

"Don't say that, mum. You hadn't a relationship in years. You just have to get used to it again."

They both sat in silence for a while. The only sounds came from the TV where advertisements were currently running.

"Oh, by the way. There's a sweater in my closet. It's not mine. I will get it." Otis stood up and came back with a grey piece of clothing. He handed it to her and went back upstairs. Jean stared at the sweater in her hands. She sniffed at it, but it just smelled like her washing powder.

Jean was torn between writing or calling him for the rest of the day. Maybe she should wait until he noticed the missing sweater, but in the evening, just before going to bed, she sent Jakob a photo and wrote a short message.

_You forgot a sweater._   
_Jean_


	7. Yeah, the flu

After a sleepless night Jean stood in front of the coffee machine and poured the freshly brewed coffee into her cup. But the smell alone made her stomach rumble threateningly. She sighed and tilted it away. So no coffee for her. Instead, she had water boiled. She would try to survive the day without coffeine. She could hardly stay in bed all sunday.

Otis had already asked her at breakfast if she was sick. He had heard her. Jean had spent the night more in the bathroom over the toilet than in bed. The quiet saturday had had its price. She had lost the desire for coffee a few days ago, but that she suddenly felt sick from the smell was new. Jean placed the tea bag with soothing herbs in the cup and poured the hot water into it. She made a note of the time. The tea shouldn’t become too bitter.

Just as she was about to sit down, she noticed the nausea rising in her again. She didn’t remember that it had been that bad during her pregnancy with Otis, but each one was different and this child wanted to make it especially difficult for her. As if everything wasn't already difficult enough.

She took a deep breath and hoped the nausea would go away. Without realizing it, she placed one hand on her stomach and stroked it gently with circling movements, what she'd done over a decade ago to baby Otis, when he had had a bellyache. As soon as she noticed what her hand was doing, she took it away, embarrassed.

Such instincts were normal, but she had the feeling that such thoughtless hand movements would be her undoing and that her secret would therefore come to light faster than she planned. Just the thought of it made her panic. She didn’t even know how she could break the news _gently_ to Otis. Not to mention Jakob.

Jean thought about her environment. After all she was alone _and_ pretty old for a pregnancy. Surely Remi would also have something _nice_ to say. She shook her head and took care of her tea. There wasn’t a point in worrying now about something that might not happen at all.

_I will come and get it_

Jean choked on her tea and touched her chest. Jakob had answered her.

 _Ok, I’m home_ , she typed in her phone

Although she had just choked and it was still very hot, she took another sip. Soothing herbs. Now would be a good time for them to have an effect.

Jakob parked his car in front of Jean’s house and got out. A melancholy smile was on his face when he looked at the house and remembered the first time he had been here. How she had mistaken him for a patient and how she had awakened something in him for which he had been afraid that it had been gone forever. Jean was very different from Iris and yet they had one thing in common. They were special in their own way. Iris wouldn’t have been surprised that he liked Jean. The commitment-averse sex therapist.

She had wanted to continue as before, but that was impossible for Jakob. There was no basis of trust between them. They had been in a relationship for several weeks and yet he felt that he didn’t know her. At least not properly. She had avoided all private topics or had explained things in a distanced way. As if she hadn’t talked about herself, but about a patient.

Jakob missed her.

They hadn’t spoken to each other since their conversation. It still felt rushed. She hadn’t said anything to him in defense. Jakob had hoped that she would fight for their relationship. That she cared. It hadn’t been easy for him to say these things, but it had to be said. So she could understand what was at stake for him and that _„a stupid kiss“_ wasn’t a stupid kiss for him.

The days after he had tried to convince himself that it was better when they went their separate ways. But then he saw her at school... He would have liked to talk to her. Just to hear her voice.

And now he was standing outside her house to pick up a forgotten sweater. The perfect opportunity to talk to her again. He couldn’t see through her, but he knew that there was something. She had to say everything that was on her mind. Otherwise she maybe would have problems handling the broke-up and would make it even harder for her next boyfriend.

The thought of a man after him hurt him. Althought he was the one who had rejected her, he hoped. Maybe he had simply overwhelmed her and then ended it too quickly because he was afraid of how much he already felt for her and how carelessly she had dealt with his feelings.

Jakob wanted to know the real answer. He wanted her to talk to him. That she really talked to him, opened up to him. So she would be less of a mystery. Now he could only make assumptions and was completely at the mercy of hope. Dangerous hope.

He rang the bell.

Jean had just finished her tea when the doorbell rang. Nervously she bit her lower lip and ran through her hair. She hadn’t expected him to be here so soon. The last few minutes she had spent thinking about what to say. How she should behave. She hadn’t found an answer. Quickly she grabbed the sweater from the chair and opened the door with verve, before she could change her mind.

“Jakob“, she said kind of breathless.

He stared intense at her with a slight smile. “Jean.“

She put the sweater into his hands. Their fingers touched.

“You’re sweater. It was in Otis‘ closet by mistake.“

“Thank you.“

They looked at each other, fingers still touching. Jean let go and mumbled: “So goodbye then.“

She pulled the door shut, but Jakob stopped her. Jean looked at him surprised and then frowned in confusion.

“Is there anything else?“

“Yeah“, he nodded “I hoped that we could talk.“

“Talk?“, she repeated, the door still only half open.

“Yeah, talk.“

Jean hesitated. What did he want to talk about? Slowly she opened the door completely and let him enter. His body came so close to her that his scent briefly enveloped her and she closed her eyes. Being so close to him was too much. Painful.

They stood in the living room. Jakob had thrown the sweater on the couch and was empty-handed in front of her.

“So... what do you want to talk about?“, she asked and crossed her arms in front of her chest, a useless gesture to protect her heart from more pain.

Jakob sighed.

“Jean... we never really talked about everything.“

“Of course we did. You were perfectly clear.“

“Yes, _I_ was clear. _I_ talked, but I think that you should talk too. I would like clarity.“

“Clarity?“ Jean didn’t like what he was getting at.

“I’m not very happy that it ended this way“, he explained.

Jean faked a little laugh. “ _You_ ended it like this! And now your sorry it happend?“

“No“, he told her and Jean felt affronted “What I said was important and right. Only the conversation was far too short and not complete.“

“And what do you think was missing?“, she asked pointedly.

“Your part.“

“And what would you like to hear?“

“Only the truth. I want to understand.“

She knew that he meant it. It was clearly written in his blue eyes. He wanted to understand her. This man wanted her side of the story. Remi hadn’t even given her this attention when they were still married.

The nausea returned. _Why now of all times?_

“Jean?“, he asked, because she didn’t respond.

“Just a moment," she pressed out. The nausea reached its peak. She turned around and wanted to go to the bathroom as quickly as possible, but he held her by the arm.

“Jean, please don’t run away again. Talk to me. One final conversation with nothing but the truth and after that you’ll never have to see me again!“, he pleaded and if it wasn’t for her feeling so fucked up right now, she would have wondered why he insisted so much on talking to her again.

“Jakob, please..." Jean tried to break free.

He looked at her confused and let her go. Her face had turned pale and he noticed that she was shaking. Jakob realized that she hadn’t been planning to flee from him, but that she was really not well.

“Jean what-?", he started to ask, but it was too late. She couldn't even turn away and threw up.

A not insignificant amount landed on his clothes.

 _Fuck!_ Jean widened her eyes in horror and covered her mouth. She felt a new wave coming and ran as fast as she could to the bathroom. There she threw up a second time. Everything turned and she couldn’t suppress a sob.

 _Hadn’t been half the night enough? Really, why now of all times?_ , she thought and cursed in her mind. She had thrown up in front of him. No, not just in front of him, _on_ him!

Suddenly a hand was placed on her shoulder.

“Jean?"

“Go away!", she demanded in a rough, trembling voice. Jakob took his hand away and uttered a deep sigh.

“Looks like you've got it too. The flu“, he concluded sympathetically.

She had it on the tip of her tongue. Now would be a good time to tell him. Jean allowed herself a look out of the corner of her eye. He stood in the door frame and looked at her so compassionately that she got a bad conscience. She waited until the acute nausea had subsided. Then she turned her head to him. On his shirt and pants was her vomit.

“Jakob-", she began. His blue eyes looked at her attentively. She was very close to saying it. To tell him that she was pregnant, but she couldn't. That moment made her vulnerable as it was. Far too vulnerable. No, it wasn't a good time. “your clothes. . . I'm so sorry. I'm- I'm going to turn a washing machine on with them right now. I just need to-"

“Jean", he interrupted her “it's all right.“ He gave her one of his typical smiles. A smile similar to the one, when he had showed her his James Bond interpretation.

Her eyes burned with tears. She was still a little sick, but she didn’t think she would throw up again. Slowly she stood up merely able to hold her balance.

Jakob looked at her concerned and took a step towards her. Apparently, he was afraid she would tip over.

Jean felt the pain in her chest when she saw him like this in front of her. Splashed with vomit and still he was ready to catch her in case she would fall. It didn’t seem to matter to him that she could theoretically throw up again. The chest pain got worse. Automatically she pressed her hand on the spot.

“Is everything all right? Are you feeling better?“

Jean tried to smile, what she half managed.

“Yeah, the flu. I already thought that it might be the flu“, she lied.

And Jakob believed her.


	8. There's a half-naked man making soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the nice comments. I'm always very interested in what you have to say :)

“Pappa...“ Ola said annoyed “don't worry, we will survive without you for a few hours. Yeah, I know where the soup is. No, Nora didn't throw up again. Have fun!“ She hung up before her father could answer.

“What did he say? Why is he gone for a few hours now? I thought he was just getting his sweater from... what was her name again?“, asked Nora. Her sister sat next to her on the couch, nestled in a blanket. Nora‘s brown curls were tied up in an untidy knot and she looked with an uncharacteristically vacant stare.

She was two years older than Ola, but she preferred to be cared for when she was sick. Ola not so much. Her father meant well, but she thought he always overdid it a bit. It had gotten much worse since their mother had died. Behind every slight cold he feared the worst. Nora would stay sick for a few more days, but Ola was sure that she would be completely fit again in two days at the latest. So nothing threatening.

“Jean. Her name is Jean!“

Unbelievable. It was true that their father hadn’t said much about his relationship with Jean. Ola was a bit angry that she had learned of the break-up by chance through Jean and not from her father himself. Her sister had only shrugged her shoulders when Ola had told her about it.

When she and Otis had caught the two of them, he had a short conversation with Ola and her sister the same evening. And even then Nora had only listened in silence. Ola didn't understand why her sister didn't seem to care. She herself had been glad that her father had finally someone again.

Nora rolled her eyes. “I don't know this woman. So why should I be able to remember her name?“

Suddenly Ola understood. Her sister acted annoyed and unimpressed, but apparently she was hurt that she hadn‘t met their dads girlfriend. _Ex-girlfriend,_ she corrected herself.

“Anyway, I thought it was over.“

“There was an small accident and now he has to wait until his clothes are washed and dried again“, explained Ola.

“An accident? Couldn't he have come up with something better? He doesn't have to lie to get back together with this Jean.“

“I don't think he was lying. And please stop talking like that about Jean. She's actually pretty cool.“

“This is crazy. Not only was she at your new school because of this sex education thing, no, she's your ex-boyfriend's mother as well!“

Ola sighed. There was no point talking to Nora about it. She was stubborn.

Ola also found this accident strange, but she didn't think it would be so bad if they got together again. Sure, it would be a little weird with Otis, but she had realized how much her father was suffering from the broke-up. Which her older sister ignored.

“You just have to meet her. Then you can make up your own mind. I just hope that dad doesn't make a big secret about it again. We're old enough to understand that he wants to get back in a relationship and not replace mom.“

“If you say so. We'll see“, Nora said and reached for her drawing pad.

Jakob swore in swedish. At least that's what Jean thought. She didn't understand a word of swedish, but you could usually tell if someone was cursing or not.

“Did something happen?“

“No, but Ola hung up on me.“ Jakob shook his head “That girl really gets to me sometimes.“

“I’m really sorry“, Jean apologized again.

Jakob was wearing the sweater he had wanted to pick up and was sitting on the couch only in his underpants. His hair was still wet from the shower. She had directly turned on the washing machine with his clothes, but as long as they weren‘t finished and dry again, he was stuck here.

“Jean, you don't have to apologize. It wasn't your intention and it was kind of my own fault.“ He paused. “Well, I think it wasn’t your intention“, he added with a little grin.

“Of course not!“, she exclaimed and gave him a look.

“So... it looks like I'm gonna be here for a little while...“ Jakob saw at her expectantly and she avoided eye contact. She knew exactly what he meant. He still wanted to talk to her, but Jean didn‘t know what she should say or what he expected from her.

“Why did you kiss Remi? Don't just say it was a silly kiss.“

Jean closed her eyes in agony. She wasn‘t surprised that he asked that. After all, that kiss was the main reason Jakob had ended it with her.

“I-“, she began.

“The truth, Jean. Please.“

She looked him straight in the face and swallowed her nervousness.

“It was anything but planned or intended. . . but I think that subconsciously I was looking for a way out. You know what kind of man Revi is and that I actually want to have as little to do with him as possible. It annoys me that I always behave differently around him. I don’t know. He brings out the worst in me, and I'm sorry you had to see that.“

“So my instincts weren't lying. I could tell something was wrong. You should have said that this relationship was too much for you and that you didn't want this.“

“I wanted the relationship! Just. . . it was too much, okay? It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship and this one, in retrospect, wasn’t healthy.“

Jakob looked at her as if he saw her with new eyes.

“You never told me about your last relationship. Who it was with or why it ended“, he told her slowly.

“I never had a committed relationship after my divorce from Remi.“

“And why was that?“

Jean slipped uncomfortably on the couch. She hadn't talked about it with anyone except her therapist, but that was a long time ago. It would reopen old wounds.

“I was too scared. It's easier when you don't have to deal with feelings and so I was able to concentrate on my work and Otis“, she explained.

“That's not the whole story. What were you so afraid of that you didn't felt the need to have a relationship for years? I can understand it a little. After the death of my wife I couldn‘t imagine myself in a new relationship for a long time either. But what happened? Why did you divorce? There's more to it than growing apart, I suppose?“

Jean felt cornered by his questions, but he was right. He deserved to know the truth. She shouldn't make such a fuss. She always advised her patients to be honest and open, but she herself. . . She preferred to run away and avoid anything that might hurt her feelings. Well. It was confirmed why this was a good idea. If she hadn’t gotten involved with Jakob, she wouldn‘t have the „broken heart syndrome“ now. But would that really have made it easier? She hadn’t been able to put her feelings for him aside. She had tried that and it didn't work.

She took a deep breath and then said: “He cheated on me. Not just once, and honestly it was almost since the beginning of our relationship. I didn't see it, or rather I didn't want to see it. Remi was my first big love. As corny as this may sound. I thought that with our common job we would be perfect for each other. I didn't put an end to it until Otis caught him with a patient. That was too much.“

“Thanks for telling me“, he said softly and Jean felt somehow lighter, now that she had told him.

Jakob seemed thoughtful and radiated something like sadness. “ I thought you couldn't understand a scam because you dismissed the kiss so easily. But apparently, you've seen much worse in that regard.“

Jean's eyes burned. Did she even deserve that much understanding? Yeah, she knew what cheating felt like. Didn't that fact made it worse that she had cheated on him? Only because she was afraid? She pressed her lips together. Everything went wrong today. She had thrown up on him and lied about the reason for her sickness. She had ruined everything between them by her fear and now she had no control over her feelings. Jean tried to hold back her sobs. She felt like the worst person on this planet.

“Come here.“

She was frozen in place.

“Jean...“

She followed his request hesitantly. She was afraid it would feel weird, but it felt just right. As she lay nestled against his chest in his arms, her own chest stopped hurting. Slowly the tension left her and she let herself fall. Whether she would regret it the next moment. It felt strangely right to cry on his shoulder.

“So? Did you ask my mother what you wanted to ask?“ Otis asked when Eric came back to his room. He had a big grin on his face and shook his head.

“No, I did _not_ find _her_. You didn't told me your mother had _company_!“

“Company?“ Otis looked at him confused. His mother was sick, so why would she invite someone over?

“There's a _half-naked_ man in your _kitchen_ making _soup_!“, Eric explained enthusiastically and wagged with his eyebrows.

Jakob made her a soup with improvised food she had in the house and yet it tasted better than anything Jean would ever have made. She had freshened up during the time he had been cooking, because her make-up had been totally smeared. Besides, she had needed time for herself.

She had asked Otis and Eric, who she had completely forgotten was coming over today, if they wanted anything. Both boys had shaken their heads and Eric had looked at her meaningful and with a big grin on his face. She still had Eric's grin in her head when she put Jakob's clothes in the dryer.

And while she and Jakob ate the soup, she told him about all the little things that had upset her. Things that weren't actually bad, but that had overwhelmed her. Jakob listened to her and nodded understandingly. Then he explained what she already knew. That she just wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. That she had offended him with Remi and that he felt that he wasn’t good enough for her.

They cleaned the kitchen together. A strange atmosphere hung in the air between them and she avoided touching him by mistake. Then his clothes were dry and surprisingly quickly she stood at the front door and saw him get into his car.

Jean closed the door and leaned against it. She was confused. She didn't know what to think or what to feel. Again she had this pain in her chest and remembered that she hadn’t told him about the pregnancy. Then she shook her head. She still had time and she wanted to wait for the riskiest phase to be over.

Jean was just moving away from the front door when suddenly the doorbell rang. She opened and Jakob stood before her again. His blue eyes rested on her and she felt this tension between them that had existed from the beginning.

“Fuck fear. Fuck not to be ready. Fuck the risk“, he said slowly but with fierce.

Jean's eyes widened as he bridged the last gap between them, took her chin in his hand and kissed her hard. It didn‘t take her long to come out of her rigidity to return the kiss. Her whole body became hot as their tongues played together and her hands found a way into his hair. Perfectly their bodies nestled up against each other, although he had to bend forward and she stood on tiptoe. To prevent her from tilting backwards, he had his other hand on her back and held her securely.

As soon as they stopped the kiss to catch their breath, they looked at each other. Even Jakob seemed surprised at what had just happened.

“I hope I don't get the flu now.“


	9. A non-secret date

Six days later, it was a saturday evening, Jean stood in front of her big mirror and looked at herself. She just got out of the shower. Her hair stopped dripping, but was still very damp because she hadn’t used the hairdryer. When she had soaped her body, she had noticed a change that she hadn‘t yet expected.

Jean turned to the side, head nodded slightly and put her hand on her stomach. There was a slight bulge. It's like she had been stuffing her stomach with food. Probably because this was her second pregnancy. She had read that the stomach usually showed up earlier.

Besides, she was slim. That didn't have to mean anything, but when she was pregnant with Otis, she had literally turned into an elephant. Something Remi hadn‘t liked at all, something he had told her often enough. This time there was no Remi to please, but she had to find the right clothes earlier than expected.

Fortunately, she owned many baggy pants and blouses. She put her hand down and took one last look in the mirror. Apart from herself, nobody would have noticed this small change. Who hasn't had slight weight fluctuations? She could have just eaten a few chips too much in the last few days.

If she weren't still plagued by this terrible sickness. Or the occasional dizzy spell. At least once a day she was blacked out. She put on one of her green pants and straightened her bra before putting on the flowered blouse. Her breasts had also become a little sensitive.

Jean applied a light make-up, which actually only consisted of covering her dark circles and applying a light eye shadow. She hoped that didn't make her look so tired. Then she carefully combed her hair and went back to the bathroom to blow dry it.

After she was done with it, she picked out a fitting jacket and shoes, but didn’t but them on. A glance at the time told her that she could still have a cup of tea in peace and that was a good idea as a slight nausea was noticeable. Maybe it was just nervousness for a change. Jakob would come and get her. On a date.

Last Sunday, he had left right after the kiss. After all, he had two sick daughters at home. Then two days ago he had called her and asked her if they wanted to go to the cinema together. Jean had been surprised. She had thought that he would say _“we need to talk"_ again, which was true, but he hadn‘t. Instead, he had asked her out on a date. Jean smiled at the thought of it. When was the last time she went on a date? A real one, which wouldn't just end in a one-night-stand or a short affair?

  
Jakob was almost on time. He wore one of the better trousers and a blue shirt, which suited him particularly well. They greeted each other with a kiss on the cheek and Jean felt as if her father was about to come and have a serious talk among men with her date. It was ridiculous. Firstly, her father had not been alive for many years and secondly, she was no longer a teenager. For a very long time now.

“Ready?“, he asked and Jean nodded.

She sat down on the passenger seat and was glad that Jakob switched on music, thus preventing an unpleasant silence between them. Jean kept giving him furtive looks while he was driving. Once he caught her and smiled as she turned her head ashamed away and looked out of the window.

He was driving pretty fast and she wasn‘t surprised that he had had his license taken away. Once he bent so sharply around the corner that she reflexively put her hands on her belly. When Jakob noticed this he apologized and drove more calmly. Probably he was afraid that her stomach was still a bit sensitive after the flu and didn't want her to throw up all over his car.

The cinema, where they would watch a movie today, was in another city and Jean had never been there before. Jakob parked nearby and so she could already have a look at the building. Old stones, which suggested that it had already been several decades there. It was in a well-kept condition with plants in front of the entrance and a large illuminated scoreboard with the name of the cinema on it. Jean unbuckled and was about to open the car door when it was opened from the outside. Jakob held out a hand to her and she was reluctant to let him help her out of the car.

The situation seemed somewhat surreal to her. They had previously only been together at parents' evenings or had met at his or her home. Mostly hers.The cinema was beautifully decorated from the inside. With many film posters, which hung in old wooden frames on the red walls. The floor was made of dark wood and there were several cosy looking seats. They went to the box office and Jakob ordered two tickets for the classic of the evening.

“Popcorn? Nachos? What do you want to drink?“, he asked her.

“Popcorn and lemonade, please“, she said addressed to the cashier.

Jakob paid for them both. Jean put her wallet back in her purse. She could pay for herself, but she said nothing about it. It wasn‘t worth ruining the mood. Equipped with popcorn and drinks they sat down at one of the tables and waited for the entrance. 

“I haven't been to a cinema in ages. This is the first one in this country that I have ever visited. Seems like an eternity“, he reminisced and put a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

“Really? A good choice. It looks very cosy here.“ Jean noticed that she was getting a little dizzy and took a generous sip of her lemonade.

They sat down in one of the last rows in the cinema hall, where there were couple seats, so there was no armrest between them. Today, they played _Once Upon a Time in the West_ by _Sergio Leone_. A classic from 1968. Jean knew the film, but hadn‘t seen it for years. When the cinema hall became dark, Jakob put his arm over her seat and she snuggled up at his side. At some point during the film, the popcorn bag found its firm place in her lap and at another point she didn‘t flinch anymore when his big hands collided with her small ones.

It was really like they were two people who had just had their first or second date. Strictly speaking, this was really their first real date together. Did that count when you'd been together before?

After the film they decided to eat something in a nearby pizzeria. Although Jean wasn’t hungry, because she had eaten considerably more of the popcorn than Jakob, but she didn‘t want the evening to end. She really enjoyed this date. It felt liberating that there weren‘t people here who knew them, but that they were still in public and seen as a couple.

Jean ordered a pizza Margherita and Jakob ordered one whose name she had never heard before and couldn’t remember. While they waited for the pizzas, they talked about the movie and Jakob told her that his two daughters were also healthy again. He casually mentioned that she should come for dinner the next week. He didn't go into it and Jean wondered if she would finally get to know Nora, his oldest daughter.

Jakob’s pizza was with asparagus and hollandaise sauce. He persuaded her to try a slice and they each exchanged a slice of their pizza.

“Hmm“, she made a pleasurable sound.

“Told you so. My favorite pizza! Wait, you got something there.“ Jakob took a napkin and dabbed her chin with it.

Jean grabbed at the spot afterwards. “Oh, thank you“, she said with slightly rosy cheeks.

  
Jakob brought her to the front door and once again they stood in the door frame.

“Thanks, Jakob. It was really a nice evening. I'd forgotten how it can be.“

“It was a long time ago for me, too. I thought it would be just the right thing.“

They looked at each other.

“Would you like to come in?“, she asked.

“I don't know if that's a good idea.“

“Oh, okay.“ Jean felt rebuffed and for a short moment her smile faltered.

“Hey“, he touched her arm “I was serious about dinner next week. I know we haven't talked about it yet, but if you're willing to try again, maybe we should do it differently.“

“So you really want to try again? Are you sure about this?“ Jean was afraid of his answer. It didn’t matter for that whether he would say yes or no.

“Yeah, or I wouldn't have asked you out. Would you like to try again?“

“Yes“, Jean whispered.

He looked at her with such a big smile and his eyes sparkled so that Jean couldn't help but smile at him broadly as well. Jakob bent down to her and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. Jean closed her eyes and had to control herself to not try to pull him into her home with all her strength.

“Good night, Jean. I'll call you about next week, okay?“

“Yes“, she nodded “Drive carefully.“

At that he smiled at her. This time there was something different in his eyes and Jean didn't understand exactly what she had said that was so special, but it made him also give her another, more passionate kiss, stroke her cheek and say “Yes, this time it will be different.“ 


	10. The dinner

For three whole days there wasn’t contact between them. Jean was surprised that this actually short period of time seemed so infinitely long to her. Jakob hadn‘t called her the day after, nor Monday or Tuesday. Now she feared that he might have changed his mind. Her stomach turned whenever she thought about it. But even if he had changed his mind, he would talk with her about it and not just - what did the teenagers call it? Ghosting? – ghost her. Right?

Otis had asked her if they were a couple again after her date with Jakob. Or rather, he had asked if he had to take care soon that Jakob's sweater wouldn‘t end up in his wardrobe again. She had only replied that this time they were taking it slowly. The old-fashioned way. Her son had looked at her in disbelief and she couldn‘t blame him. It was all new to her, too.

Jean went for a little walk before her next patient would come in an hour. She would have loved to just make herself comfortable on the sofa, but then she would most likely have fallen asleep. She was tired all the time, which was not only due to the fact that she often woke up in the night because she was nauseous.

She felt _exhausted_ and although she took all her vitamins and made sure she drank enough, she also continued to suffer from dizziness. The cool autumn air helped and Jean had decided to take a little walk at least once a day. No long distances, because she already noticed how she became more short of breath.

It also made her head clearer. She was otherwise constantly worried. What if Jakob changed his mind? Or worse, what if it worked between them, but her pregnancy would ruin everything? That was what she was most afraid of. She already knew that he would resent her for not telling him about the baby, but the third month had just begun and Jean knew that she was still at a very high risk. That was her second constant concern.

Jean sat down on a bench to take a break. She sat for maybe two minutes when her phone rang. Her heart jumped and she quickly pulled it out of her jacket pocket. Her excitement was followed by disillusionment when she read the name on the display. Her finger hovered over the push away button, but then she accepted the call.

“Jeanie!“ , she heard Remi’s voice and in the same second she regretted that she had not simply ignored him.

“Remi“, she said and didn't even try to sound friendly.

“How are you doing? How's Otis?“

Jean didn't go for it. Her ex-husband didn't care how she or his son were doing.

“What do you want?“

At the other end of the line was silence and Jean toyed with the idea of hanging up. She didn't have the nerve to deal with him, too.

“My agent said you don't want to work with me.“

“Yes, that’s right.“

“Why?“

Jean pressed her lips together. Was he serious?

“Remi... we haven't worked together for years and I'm not interested. What makes you think that anything has changed?“

“Jean... imagine how good it could be. We both. Just like old times!“

She breathed deeply. He had said the same thing to have wine with her... and then they had kissed.

“No.“

“Why don't you reconsider? Listen to my ideas. You will be thrilled!“

“Bye, Remi“, she said and hung up. What did he think? He really wouldn't change. What did he try? His second wife had separated from him and now he was looking for... yes, what was he looking for? Distraction? He should find it somewhere else.

She got up from the bench and headed back home.

When she layed in her bed that evening, earlier than usual, staring at the ceiling, Jakob had still not called. Maybe she should call him? No... she was sure something just had came up. Stress or something. But it was no use.The bad feeling remained.

She noticed that she slowly got a kind of panic and tried desperately to calm down again. All that emotional stress wasn't good.

-

She was nervous when Jakob finally called the next day and asked if she could come that evening. Jean agreed and asked if she should bring something, but he denied. He didn't say why he didn't contact her until now and she didn't ask. She was really happy to hear his voice again. Relieved.

Even though the dinner made her nervous, she was in a better mood during the day. She told Otis and suggested she precook something for him, but he just wanted to order a pizza.

Jean took her time getting ready. After all, she wanted to make a good impression. She decided to wear one of her jumpsuits, covered her dark circles and put her hair back.

She parked in the driveway and encouraged herself before getting out and ringing at the front door. Ola opened her and gave her a bright smile. At least one person who was happy to see her.

“Jean, come in. Dinner is almost ready!“

Jean followed Ola into the kitchen and they both took a seat. Opposite Jean sat Jakob's second daughter, who as far as she knew was two years older than Ola. She looked very much like her younger sister, but had a completely different style. She was wearing a skirt and blouse. Her brown curls were very long and fell wildly over her shoulders.

The girl examined her closely and then stretched out her hand. Jean shook it.

“I'm Nora“, she introduced herself in a very soft voice. Jean noticed that her hand had spots of paint.

“I'm Jean. Nice to meet you.“

“Yeah... it was long overdue“, she said in an accusatory tone and the way she said the word _“yeah“_ reminded Jean a little of Jakob.

At that moment he came out of the kitchen and put a plate of roulades on the table.

“Sorry, I had to get the meat out of the oven“, he apologized. He put a hand on Jean's shoulder and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I'm glad you could come on such short notice.“

Then he went back into the kitchen and left Jean alone with the girls again. The silence was not at all as unpleasant as Jean had feared. Ola filled the glasses with water and Nora seemed to be in thought. Jean's gaze fell again on Nora's hands, which were lying on the table. The other hand had also some paint on it.The girl noticed her look and turned red.

“Nora likes to draw and paint, she's really good“, said Ola.

“That's cool, I used to paint too, but that is a long time ago.“

Jean thought of the old drawing pads and the few pictures that were rotting away in the storage room. After the divorce from Remi, she had needed something else than Otis and her work as a distraction. It had been fun and she didn't know exactly when and why she had stopped. It had never been really good, but it was relaxing.

“Oh really?“ Nora asked interested. “Why did you stop?“

“I honestly don‘t know“, said Jean and took a sip. Jakob came back and put potatoes and a sauce on the table. He gave her a smile and disappeared again.

“That's a pity. I can‘t imagine living without doing art!“

Jean laughed. “Well, you seem like a passionate artist. I started it back then as a... hobby to relax.“

“Maybe you should just start again. I mean, you can always use relaxation, right?“ Nora grinned and Jean had the feeling that she was becoming more open to her.

“Nora“, Ola interfered “not everyone can be so enthusiastic about art.“

“It’s okay. Your sister's right. I enjoyed it then. Maybe I should really get back to it.“

Jakob came back with a very tasty looking salad and sat down next to her. “What did I miss?“

“Jean also used to paint“, explained Nora with reddened cheeks.

Jean liked how much Nora was interested in art. She wished that Otis would blossom as much in a hobby as she did.This did not include sex advise. 

“Oh, really?“, asked Jakob and smiled at her.

“Nothing special, but yes.“

The food was very delicious, she had expected nothing else, and the conversation with the girls went well. They talked mainly about art and cooking. Actually two things she rarely dealt with, but maybe she should really try new things. Or revive old hobbies.

For dessert there was ice cream and Jean couldn’t help but smile when she scooped strawberry ice cream onto her plate. Afterwards Nora and Ola sat down on the sofa and watched TV. Jean helped Jakob tidy up and was aware that Nora in particular was every now and then looking over at them.

“So... you also painted once“, Jakob asked at some point.

“Yes, but that is a really long time ago, but your daughter encouraged me to start again.“

“Don't feel forced. Nora and her art... she liked to draw since she was a toddler. At that time unfortunately also on the walls.“

They laughed.

“It's crazy that our children take over some things from us, but in other things they are quite different. Ola‘s and Nora's mother also loved to paint. Ola has skilled craftsmanship. She must have it from me.“

“I think my son is just disturbed because of me“, said Jean.

“He had this sex clinic. That may not have been right, but he seems to have a wire there, too.“

Jean hadn't thought about it that way. But that was no miracle. After all, both his parents were sex therapists. Jean looked at Jakob and thought about what qualities her baby might take on.

Quickly she tried to shake the thoughts away, but it was too late. She couldn’t help but imagine Jakob with a baby in his arms. _Their_ baby.

Luckily they were done cleaning up.

“So... I guess I’ll drive home now. Thanks for the dinner.“

“You don't have to drive yet.“

Jean looked at the girls and then back at Jakob. “I don't know“, she said. She suddenly felt uncomfortable and completely out of place.

“It was just an offer.“

They both stood next to each other. Their shoulders touched and Jean looked up at him. He waited for her answer. Jean stood on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss with her eyes closed. Jakob stroked her cheek and slowly lowered his hand as she took a step away from him.

“Have a nice evening.“


	11. Red paint (1/3)

In the furthest and dustiest corner Jean found what she had been looking for. With a duster she wiped over one of the boxes and carefully lifted the lid. In the box were different colours, pens and brushes. For years they have been waiting to be used again. Or being thrown away. Jean would probably have to replace the paint. Over the years it had certainly dried up and become crumbly. But the brushes and other pens still made a good impression to her.

She took a look at the pictures wrapped in newspaper, which were stacked one behind the other on the wall. Jean hadn't even labeled them then. Carefully she unpacked one of the smaller canvases and had to smile when she recognized her work. A vagina painted with bright colors. If she remembered correctly, this was her first and only attempt. Not everything in her life had to have something to do with the act itself or with human genitals. Jean put the painting back. Then she lifted the box and left the storage room.

The same day she went to a craft shop and got herself some new material. She brought everything into her study and cleared out her desk. The weekend was just around the corner and she knew exactly what she would do with the time. She had a tingling in her fingers when she picked up a brush for the first time in a very long time and drew a line on the sheet with bright red paint. There was something strangely liberating about it.

Saturday night, Otis noticed she had paint on her fingers. But he only looked at her with raised eyebrows, since he certainly had other things on his mind. Her son had a date. She didn't know with whom and was honestly a little surprised that he told her that he was seeing a girl.

The next week Jean met with Jakob. One time it was a dinner and the other time it was a cozy movie night. Apart from quite chaste kisses there was hardly any physical contact and that drove her crazy. But she didn‘t dare to take the initiative. Moreover, Jakob had noticed how tired she had become. A guilty conscience afflicted her. Two weeks. In two weeks, she would have the _talk_. The one that would decide everything. She got sick at the thought.

Jean had an appointment the following week. Her doctor did the usual tests and she was relieved that apparently everything was fine with the baby. She was now in the 11 week and the first trimester was nearing the end. Soon the most critical phase would be over, but Jean wasn‘t blinded by this. The risk for her was still very high.

Her doctor found another reason for her dizziness and tiredness. Apparently, her blood pressure had dropped. This wasn‘t unusual, as many pregnant women generally had lower blood pressure in the first months. But her blood pressure was very low and with that came the risk that she simply keeled over and the baby wasn‘t properly cared for because the uterus wasn‘t sufficiently supplied with blood.

Her doctor advised her to keep a drinking diary and continue her daily little walk. Due to her pregnancy, treatment with medicaments wasn‘t possible, as this would constrict the blood vessels that supplied the child. Orange juice, salty snacks, herbal circulation aids, exercise and a hot broth every now and then. It was all she could do.

At home, she put the ultrasound image with the first one in the envelope. By now you could already see a little baby. She smiled.

Jean considered for a long time whether she should tell Jakob that she wanted to have an important conversation with him or whether she should simply suggest a meeting at her home. She needed the protection of her own four walls. In the end she decided on the latter. He shouldn't come already tense. It also gave her the chance to back out. Of course she had to tell him, but she didn't want to do it if he was in a bad mood.

Jean set the date of the _talk_ for saturday the following week. Depending on how he took the news, it would be good to still have sunday and not have to work the next day. She prepared herself for the worst and especially the last night she slept much worse than usual. In the morning she threw up twice in three hours. All day long she imagined every possible scenario, which made her nervousness even worse. Not even relaxing music helped her.

In the evening she was completely exhausted and no longer sure if she had the strength for it. But she didn’t want to back down. She had the 12 weeks. In addition to that, without any clothes on, the small bulge was already visible. She didn't looked really pregnant yet, but you could feel it. Her stomach was harder. And of course her breasts, which also increased in volume.

She took her time in the shower and then creamed her body. Especially her stomach. In the hope that it would help against the stretch marks that were sure to come. There she was especially careful and not only once did her hand stick to her little bulge with a thousand thoughts on her mind.

Jean wrapped a towel around her body and left the bathroom.

“Jeanie.“

She froze when she heard his voice and looked into her ex-husbands face.

“I came to say hi to Otis, but he's not in his room.“

“How did you get in here?“ she asked and checked with a quick glance if the towel concealed everything important.

“No worries, nothing that I haven't already seen. And for your age you look really good. Really good“, he brazenly said. Jean stared at him frowning. What on earth was he thinking?

“You took a loooong time in the bathroom!“ Remi slurred.

How long had he been here? She saw that his eyes were shining. How much had he drunk? He took a step towards her and stumbled so that he had to hold on to her bare shoulder to avoid falling. Jean stiffened up all over her body. His touch was uncomfortable for her and she took a step away from him.

She saw black spots in her field of vision. Maybe she really shouldn't have stayed in the hot bathroom that long. Her circulation couldn't take it right now. What time was it, anyway? She had completely forgotten the time and Jakob would soon be there.

“How did you get in here? And what are you doing here?“, she asked again. She became more and more dizzy and the situation overwhelmed her. What the hell should she do with a drunk Remi?

“You still have the spare key outside in the same place. I came in like the last time. Since the key was still there, I didn't think you'd mind...“ He tapped his lip and kept coming towards her. “I don't think you even mind!“ He grinned confident and Jean realized what he was about to do.

“Remi...“, she said warningly and took another step backwards, hitting the banister.

“You should have a drink too, Jeanie. Then you'll loosen up and we can have some fun!“

At that moment the front door was opened.

“Jean? Is everything all right? The key was hanging from outside at the door.“

“Just send him away!“ Remi said pretty loudly.

“Jean?“ Jakob sounded confused. She turned around and looked down the stairs. There stood Jakob, and at the image he saw, his eyes widened.

“Jean?“ he asked again, but she couldn't make a sound. Everything around her turned black and she only noticed how she fell.


	12. The thing with the x-ray (2/3)

Jakob was surprised when he saw the car of Jean's ex-husband. They were supposed to meet today, right? Or was that another spontaneous visit? As soon as he saw the key stuck on the front door from outside, he knew that something was wrong.

He opened the door, took the key and closed it behind him.

“Jean? Is everything all right? The key was hanging from outside on the door.“

“Just send him away!“, he heard Remi‘s voice. Did something happen with Otis? Was there an emergency? No, Jean would have called him.

“Jean?“, he asked again. The voice had come from the upper floor so Jakob went to the stairs.

He looked up and he hadn’t expected what he saw there. Jean stood with her back to him, right at the end of the stairs. She had only a towel wrapped around her body. Jakob couldn‘t see Remi, but he had to stand right in front of her. He got a strange feeling. What was going on there? Why was her ex-husband here and why wasn't she wearing any clothes?

Maybe he should ask rather than make up something, but he couldn't change it. He felt cheated. He had really thought that this time it would be different and that Jean wanted to try again as much as he wanted to.

At that moment she turned to him. She didn't looked surprised, so she had been counting on him. Was she playing a game with him?

“Jean?“, he asked again. He wanted an explanation.

She looked in his direction, but didn't really seem to see him. Her eyes suddenly closed and Jakob had to watch with shock as she tipped over and fell down the stairs. It happened so fast that he only managed to catch her on one of the lower steps. He lifted her up carefully and brought her quickly to the couch. Her head bled heavily, so he pulled his sweater over his head and pressed it onto the wound. Not the best solution, but he didn't have anything else on hand so quickly. Jakob piled up cushions and put her feet on them. She was still unconscious.

He knocked her cheeks, but she didn't wake up. Jakob looked around. Where was Remi?

“Remi? Are you calling the ambulance?“

No answer.

He fished his mobile phone out of his pocket and dialed the emergency call.

Jakob had just hung up when Jean slowly woke up. She was terribly pale in the face and her lips had hardly any color.

“Jakob?“, she asked and looked at him confused.

“How are you feeling?“

“What... My head hurts.“

Jakob was still pressing his sweater onto her wound.

“You fell down the stairs and hit your head. The wound may need stitches. The ambulance should be here soon“, he explained.

Jean grabbed at her forehead and felt the sticky blood. She looked at him. Panic gleamed in her eyes.

“It's gonna be all right. Head wounds always bleed a lot“, he tried to calm her down. At the same time he tried to don’t show that he was very much worried about her head. He couldn’t assess the wound and maybe she had a concussion.

“Oh god“, she mumbled and tears started streaming from the corners of her eyes.

Jakob squeezed her hand. Jean seemed to be completely done with her nerves and he had still the feeling that something was wrong. Apart from the fall.

Jean felt exhausted and she was scared. Could the fall have hurt her baby? Actually it should be well protected in her belly by its small size. More harmful was probably all the stress she was currently experiencing. She slowly sat up and straightened her towel that had been lying over her body. The dizziness had subsided, but the touchdown alone had cost her a lot of strength.

“I need clothes", she said.

“I can go and get you something. If you promise to not faint again.“

She nodded “I think I feel better already.“

When Jakob went to get clothes for her, she pressed his sweater on the back of her head. With the other hand she stroked her small bulge.

“I'm so sorry", she whispered and swallowed hard. She should have sat down as soon as she became dizzy, but Remi had taken her by surprise. No, that was not a good excuse. She should never have let him confuse her so much that it put her and therefore her baby in danger. If anything had happened now... The hand on her stomach was shaking. If anything had happened to the baby, it was her fault.

Jakob returned and had thought along. Instead of a top, which she would have to pull over her head, he had brought her a blouse to button. He supported her while she dressed. She was wobbly on her legs and he was probably worried that she would fall over again. Or faint again.

“Remi... where is he?“

Jakob made a grim face “He's in the bathroom puking. This guy is completely drunk.“

He looked at her, opened his mouth and probably wanted to ask what it was with Remi and his visit, but she was spared an answer for the time being, because they heard the ambulance.

The paramedic cleaned her wound. The bleeding had fortunately diminished. Nevertheless Jean's hair was sticky with blood. The man confirmed that the wound needed stitches.

At the hospital they had to wait a little longer and Jean wondered when she had been here. It had to be a long time ago. Had it been the time when Otis had fallen off his bike and had a bad bruise?

Jakob's unspoken question hung between them, but neither of them began a conversation. In silence they sat next to each other, their shoulders touching, waiting for the doctor. When she was called, Jakob remained seated.

“I'll wait for you here.“ He said it in a normal tone, but Jean had noticed that he was acting more stiff than usual. What was going on in his head? It had to be about Remi.

The doctor was her age and when he put on his glasses, he suddenly looked familiar to her. He noticed her look and smiled at her.

“Jean Milburn“, he greeted her. “Jean, it's been a long time!“ His voice was the last missing piece of the puzzle.

“Rob!“, she exclaimed in surprise.

“Have I changed so much that you don't recognize me? Am I supposed to feel insulted?“

“No! No, it's just that the hair is so different and it's really been a few years.“

“You didn‘t change much. Jean as she lives and breathes. Well, let me take a look at your wound. The report says that you fainted and then fell down the stairs?“

“Yes, that’s right.“

“I will have to cut some of the hair away, but the wound is lokated below. The other hair should fall over it later, then it isn’t so noticeable.“

He was very careful and yet Jean was afraid that she would look like a plucked chicken afterwards.

“Now I'll numb the area and sew up the wound. Tell me if anything hurts.“

Jean noticed that he was working on her head, but she felt no pain. How could she not have recognized Rob? Years ago, they had an affair for a few weeks. But he had wanted a relationship. A marriage and children. She had never really been in love with him, but he had his charm. After they had ended it, they had been something like friends for a while, until he got a girlfriend, which had felt threatened by her.

“Are you feeling nauseous or having a headache? You've been unconscious for a while. Memory lapses? You might have a concussion.“

“I have a little headache and feel weak, but otherwise I feel fine.“

“The symptoms of a concussion can appear hours later. We have to keep you here twenty-four hours under observation. Even if there are no symptoms of a concussion in the next few hours, there may be cerebral haemorrhages or bruising. We should probably get an x-ray too.“

“Okay... wait, an x-ray?“, she asked and Rob nodded.

“Yes, to check. After all, you did hit your head pretty hard. So...“ He took the papers and scribbled on them “is there any medical reason why you shouldn't have an x-ray? And the obligatory question. Are you pregnant or could you be pregnant?“

He looked up expectantly from the papers when she didn’t answered immediately.

“Jean, please don't tell me you're afraid of an x-ray. It's not that important, but-“

He stopped in the middle of the sentence, because Jean had started to laugh hysterically. She didn't know exactly why she was laughing. She actually felt like crying. But she quickly stopped laughing again. It made her head hurt.

“I can't take an x-ray because I'm pregnant“, she explained. It was weird telling another person about her pregnancy. Especially if she had a past with this person and not even the most important people around her knew about it.

“Oh, then... congratulations!“ Rob didn't even tried to hide his surprise “In this case, of course, we cancel the x-ray. But now it's all the better if we watch you for a while. What week are you in, may I ask? The fall should have been harmless. The previous fainting is related to your pregnancy?“

“Yes, I'm 12 weeks. My doctor has already found out that I have a very low blood pressure.“

He nodded.

“It was nice to see you again. On occasion we have to talk, but unfortunately I have too much to do now. Please have a seat in the hall. A nurse will come and bring you to your room. I'll be back tomorrow. Maybe I'll stop by and say hello and if we don’t see each other: Take care of yourself!“

Jakob immediately jumped up and followed her into the hall, where they sat down on two chairs.

“How'd it go? Did the doctor sew up the wound?“

Jean nodded “Yes he did. They want to keep me here for twenty-four hours.“

“Do you need a few things? Should I go get something?“

“Thanks, that's sweet of you, but I don't think I'll need anything special for the one night. The most important things are here and I have my cell phone here too... oh, I really need to call Otis and let him know!“

“Don't worry, I've already done that. I warned him at the same time that his father is here... I got the mobile number from Ola, I hope that was okay.“

“Oh, yes. Thank you.“

Jean closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She still seemed very tense.

“Is everything all right? Does your head hurt much?“ he asked.

“I'm okay. Just very tired.“

“Nora had a concussion when she was a kid. She had also fallen down the stairs and hit her head, but fortunately she had no open wound. I still remember the picture she later painted of the x-ray machine. Nothing abnormal on your x-ray?“

“Oh, no. I haven't had an x-ray.“

“What? Why didn't the doctor did one? You had a bad fall and something could have happened to your head!“

“The doctor didn't thought it was necessary“, Jean explained to him.

“Mrs Milburn?“

He accompanied her to her room, in which all three beds were still empty. The nurse didn‘t explained much and left the room.

While Jean disappeared in the bathroom, Jakob left and found the nurse standing in front of the neighboring room.

“Excuse me?“

“Yes?“ The nurse turned to him. She was taking notes and looked pretty stressed.

“I only have a quick question about the x-ray.“

She had a stack of papers in her hand and pulled out Jean's folder.

“What is the problem?“

“I would like to know why no x-ray was taken.“

The nurse went over the records.

“The risk is far too high for your wife. Pregnant women are generally advised to not take x-rays. Well, I have to be going.“ She swept away.

He stood there, frozen in place, and shook his head. It had to be a mistake. And yet he had read Jean's name on the paper.


	13. Not according to plan (3/3)

The hospital gowns were really not advantageous. Jean had changed and was now standing at the sink, where she supported herself with both arms and stared into the mirror. Was she really this pale? Or was it the light? She splashed cold water on her face.

Her head hurt and the rest of her body reached its limits. The last weeks she had generally not been feeling so well, but today the fall and the stress that came with it came together. She would stay here until tomorrow evening and she hoped that she didn‘t have a concussion after all.

She was slightly nauseous, but that was probably related to her pregnancy. Jean had gotten used to the fact that she could get sick at any time of day or night. She dried her face and was glad that she hadn't had time to put make-up on. Carefully she groped at the back of her head. Rob was right. She felt that the longer hair fell over the bald spot.

At least that way it wasn‘t immediately obvious that she had a head injury. She bent over the sink and began to wash the blood out of her hair. Showering was still too dangerous because of the wound and the risk of falling again. She couldn't quite get it out, but she was already happy that the hair no longer stuck to her forehead covered in blood.

She had imagined the evening differently. She had been aware that it was going to be stressful, but that would have been because of the _talk_ and not because her ex-husband showed up drunk, she fell down the stairs and was driven to the hospital with a head injury! She left the bathroom. Jakob was no longer there. Jean opened her closet and put her clothes neatly folded inside. Then she made herself comfortable in that hospital bed as far as she could.

On the little table next to her was a bottle of water and a clean glass. She filled it up and drank it all. Then she filled it up again and took two more sips. Suddenly the vitamins came to her mind. She usually took them in the morning. Well, one day wouldn't matter. She would just take them as soon as she got home.

Jean looked at her mobile phone. She had a message from Maureen asking if she was free tomorrow. She thought for a moment whether she should just make up an excuse, but then she decided to tell the truth. In her text message she summarized what had happened and that she would be in the hospital until tomorrow evening.

Maureen answered quite quickly and Jean was a bit surprised that she could type so fast on her mobile phone. She was almost as fast as Otis and he was a teenager. They just were that fast with their fingers. Maureen wished her a good recovery and wrote that she kept her fingers crossed that there wasn’t a concussion. She also asked if she should come by tomorrow and keep her company. Jean replied that she would be happy about it. They hadn't met for a while and Jean was always enjoying the time with Maureen.

The door opened and Jean was expecting a nurse, but it was Jakob who came in.

“Oh, you're still here? I thought you'd already been picked up.“

“I'm not going without saying goodbye. Ola just called me and said she was leaving now. Will you call me tomorrow when I should come to pick you up?" Jakob had a vacant expression and his words sounded monotonous too.

“There's no need. I might as well call a cab.“

“Nonsense, I'm coming to get you",he said in a firm voice that didn't allow any backtalk. This is how Jean imagined his voice when he was discussing with his daughters. He had been different all the time, which was understandable under the circumstances, but now he seemed so distant.

“See you tomorrow, Jean.“

He turned around.

Jean gathered all her courage. “Wait.“

Jakob looked at her again. Jean swallowed. “What's wrong?“

“Do you really want to talk about this now? You need rest", he said in a softer voice.

“Yes", she said “otherwise I'll have to think about it“

“Okay.“ Jakob took a chair and sat at the head of her bed. “I'd like to know why your ex-husband is at your house.“

Jean suppressed a sigh. The way he asked it, he assumed something had happened.

“I honestly don't know. I didn‘t know that he was planning to come and I only found out when I came out of the bathroom and he suddenly stood in front of me. Drunk. You know he's having a tough time right now...“

“And that's why he's coming to you?“ Jakob looked at her doubtfully.

“I think he thought that... well, that he had a chance to have sex with me. Because of the kiss the last time.“

“So he was pressuring you?"

“I... yes.“ Jean preferred not to think about it. She had already divorced him, but through Otis they had a connection. Remi seemed to think he still had a right to her. Maybe even a power.

“So you didn't ask him to come here to talk about anything?"

Jean shook her head.

“Okay.“

Jean closed her eyes in agony. Why now? The nausea, which had previously remained in the background, increased and from experience she knew that she didn‘t have much time left. She crawled out from under the ceiling and hurried past Jakob into the bathroom. She didn't even close the door. She bent over and flinched in surprise when Jakob knelt down next to her and began to stroke her back gently.

Jakob had been sitting in the corridor. He had to put his thoughts in order. Actually, he had also planned to leave the hospital as soon as possible. He hadn't wanted to talk about it anymore, but when he saw her lying in the hospital bed, he had changed his mind and had complied with her wish. Jakob believed her that Remi had just showed up. She would have cancelled him.

Now he was with her in the bathroom and he thought about the situation when she had the flu. When Jean was finished, she stood up and swayed slightly. He held her up and helped her to the sink where she rinsed out her mouth.

“A concussion after all?“, he said, and then decided he would have to confront her about it at some point anyway. If the patient files had been switched, it was better to let them know as soon as possible.

“Or something else?“ He looked at her questioningly.

“What do you mean?“

“I asked about the x-ray, Jean.“

She looked at him with eyes wide open and her look told him that it was true. No mixed-up patient file. Now he became queasy and his chest began to hurt. It was worse than that kiss. It meant that she had really cheated on him. Or during the time when they had been separated, she had had something with other men again. With her ex-husband, for example. It was very painful that she had accepted to hurt him again. He had been willing to give it another chance. Now it was over.

“When were you going to tell me?“, he asked flat. He averted his gaze. Jakob couldn't bear to look at her.

“You probably don't believe me now, but I had planned it for tonight", she told him quietly.

“Yes, you're right. I can't believe you. What else is a lie?"

“Nothing! I didn't want to hide it from you forever. I... I just wanted to wait for the most dangerous weeks to be over before I told you about it needlessly. You know that at my age there are more risks and also the chances are much worse.“

“You think it would be unnecessary to tell me if...“ He shook his head angrily. There was a possibility that she would have never told him about her pregnancy. This realization left him speechless.

“Remi probably didn't take the news well“, he said bitterly.

“What? He knows nothing. Like I said. He surprised me and we didn't have a chance to talk properly because of his condition.“

“So he doesn't know yet?"

He looked at her again.

She shook her head. “Why would I tell him about it before I tell you?"

Wait.

Jakob had to rearrange his thoughts.

“How... how far along are you?"

“Twelve weeks.“

Twelve weeks ago and the months before, Remi had been in America. Could it be? No, that was impossible.

“Jakob", she tore him from his thoughts and took a step towards him. The bathroom was not too big near the sink and the door, so they were now very close to each other. She looked directly at him and had put her head back in the neck. She was so small and delicate.

“I know you had a vasectomy, but I haven't slept with another man.“

He heard an echo of her words in his head and now it was him whose eyes grew bigger when he finally understood. Jean and he hadn‘t used birth control since he had the vasectomy. Jean nodded silently and smiled at him, but it was a sad smile that didn‘t reach her eyes. He knew her well enough to know she was scared shitless right now. Maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she had really wanted to tell him today about her pregnancy and it had just all gone wrong.

“It's your baby“, she whispered.

“My baby", he repeated.

“Believe me, I was very surprised too, but my doctor said that it has happend before. You will have to talk to your doctor because your vasectomy doesn't seem to be intact. I know you don't want kids anymore. I mean, otherwise you never would have done the surgery. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but I also didn't want it to be the reason for trying it again with each other. And of course I was afraid. No, I’m afraid. I'm scared. I ask nothing of you and I fully understand if you want nothing more to do with me. I-"

“Jean!", he interrupted her and at the same moment he regretted that he had said it so loudly, because she recoiled from him, frightened. It broke his heart to see her like that. She was completely exhausted. You could tell by looking at her.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, but please calm down.“

“I'm sorry. I never wanted to do this to you.“

“You haven't done anything to me, Jean", he made clear and took her face in his hands. He gently wiped the tears from her cheeks.

“You're pregnant with our baby. It's a miracle, so to speak.“

“Yes, a miracle", she repeated his words softly.

Jakob's phone started ringing. He gave her an apologetic look and answered.

“Ola is waiting for me in the parking lot", he explained after he had hung up again.

“Okay.“

Jean went back to bed and Jakob put the chair in its place at the little table. Then he went back to her and gave her a kiss on the forehead. There was a strange tension between them that he couldn't quite categorize.

“Feel free to call me if you need anything else. And let me know when I can take you home again.“

“Okay, thank you.“

“See you tomorrow, Jean.“

Ola waited for him with a worried expression.

“How is she?", she asked immediately when Jakob took a seat on the passenger seat. Although he was allowed to drive again, he knew that Ola liked to drive the car.

“According to the circumstances.“

Jean was pregnant. With his baby. With their baby. He still couldn't quite believe it. Jakob threw a side glance at his daughter. He had the vasectomy right after Ola was born. His deceased wife had had a complicated birth and he hadn‘t wanted to take any risks.

With this decision it had always been obvious for him that he wouldn‘t have any more children. Of course it was a shock. He had gotten older, but he wanted this baby. He knew the risks. At the thought of something happening to Jean he felt sick. Today she had fallen down the stairs and injured herself. That was dangerous in her condition.

There weren’t new symptoms associated with a concussion. In the afternoon Maureen came by. Jean was relieved when she could finally let Jakob know that he could come and pick her up. She didn’t saw Rob again. Probably he had too much to do. Also Otis phoned her. Her son told her that Remi had driven again. Jean had only received a short message from her ex-husband “ _Sorry_ ".

Jakob picked her up, brought her home and even came in. Jean immediately went to the kitchen to get something to drink and took her vitamins. He watched her doing it and she felt his gaze in her back.

“Do you have to take these every day?", he asked.

“Yes, and drink plenty of fluids", she looked at him and sighed “I have very low blood pressure, but I can't take pills for it.“

“Oh. Does that mean you fall over more often?", he asked anxiously.

“I fainted only the one time and that was yesterday. But yes, I often feel dizzy."

They remained silent for a while.

“Is it okay if I stay the night? I don't want to leave you alone“, he said directly and honestly, as it was his way.

“Im not alone, Otis is here. I am OK.“

At that moment her son came into the kitchen as if he had heard her say his name.

“Hey, how are you? Can we talk tomorrow maybe?“, he asked.

“Of course, darling.“

“Okay, cool“ Otis looked back and forth between her and Jakob “So... I'll leave you two alone again.“

“Jean, you know what I meant“, he said to her as soon as Otis had left the room “if you don't want me here, you can tell me directly. I won't bite you. Really, you don't have to make excuses.“

“It's just... we need to talk and I don't know.“

“We don't have to do anything.“

Jean considered his offer.

“You just want to spend the night here?“

“Yeah. I'll be gone tomorrow morning. I have a busy schedule.“

“Okay.“

“Okay?“

“I would be happy if you stay here.“

“Sure?“

“Sure.“

It was nice to lie in her bed again together with Jakob. She had missed his closeness so much. His warmth. He made her feel safe and as they lay there, she could really relax for the first time in days. They were lying face to face and her eyes were already half closed.

“Is it okay if I...?“, he asked in a whisper and she noticed that his hand was tugging at her nightgown. Jean pushed it slowly up. Hesistant she took his hand and laid it on her belly. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as his warm, big hand wrapped around the small bulge. He carefully stroked it. Then he pulled her to him and turned her around so that her back was nestled against his chest. Both his hands enclosed her belly and she smiled as he kissed her temple.

“Sleep tight, Jean.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I would like to thank all readers. Especially for the kudos and comments. I would love to answer every single comment, but most of the time I don't know what to answer.
> 
> For anyone who wonders: The last three chapters theoretically all belong together, since the cliffhangers only consisted of interruptions in this short period of time.


	14. Something new?

The alarm clock rang in a fresh day and the beginning of a new week. When Jean opened her eyes, the other side of the bed was already empty and she wondered if she had just dreamt that Jakob had spent the night here. She slowly sat up and took her time to get up, as she noticed that she was getting dizzy again. She reached for the glass of water that was on her bedside table and took a few sips. Her face distorted in the process. Stale water didn‘t taste very good, but it would serve its purpose.

Then she got up and took her dressing gown out of the closet, which she put over her nightdress and tied loosely at the front. She went into the bathroom and freshened up before going downstairs, holding on tight to the railing. Better safe than sorry. She heard voices and indeed Otis and Jakob were sitting together at the breakfast table and seemed to be having a lively conversation. Astonished she blinked. The two fell silent when they noticed her and Jean sat down in her place, where they had already set the table for her, clearing her throat.

“Good morning", she said and they both repeated the morning greeting synchronously. She raised one eyebrow “Did I interrupt anything?"

“No", Otis replied hastily and Jean decided to not pursue it any further. When Otis went to school, she and Jakob cleaned up together.

“Well, I’ve to go now too", he said and gave her a quick kiss. They hadn't talked much. The situation was strange and she was feverishly thinking about what she could say. In the end, she just said “Okay“.

Both men were gone and she was alone in the house again. She went to the shower and got dressed. Afterwards she worked a little bit in her office and was happy when finally her first patient for the day arrived. Normally she hadn’t a problem with the silence when she was alone, but today it was her enemy.

The last patient was gone and Otis stood already in the door frame of her office.

“It’s about dad“, he said and one could hear in his voice that he was very reluctant to address the subject.

Jean took off her glasses and rubbed her forehead. There wasn’t a better subject than her ex-husband. Really. It made her day. It's not like she had anything else to worry about.

“Okay, what’s the matter, darling?“

“I thought you didn't want to work with him anymore.“

“Yes, that is correct.“

“Yes? Cause‘ dad told me you two are working on a book together. About teenagers. Probably inspired by my classmates. Do you have to do that?“

This asshole.

“Really? He told you that?“

“Yeah, that's why he was here. Because you wanted to discuss it. Only then you fell down the stairs.“

“That’s bullshit. We’re NOT writing or working together again“, she answered and could hardly control herself. Remi had to get his own shit together so he would leave her alone and he had to stop lying to his own son. His last visit had already caused a lot of damage. Otis wouldn't keep giving him chances forever if he messed them up every time.

“Oh okay“, Otis said awkwardly “He must have misunderstood something...“

“Yes, he must have.“

One hour later, it was slowly getting dark outside, Jakob suddenly stood in front of the door. She hadn’t been expecting him back today.

“I brought you some soup. Some hot fluids every now and then should be good for low blood pressure.“

“Oh, thank you“, she said. He was always so caring.

They both knew they had to talk about what happened next. So they went into her bedroom, where Otis would certainly not barge in and hear something he wasn't supposed to find out this way.

“Did something happen? You seem tense.“

“Is it that obvious?“ Jean sighed “Remi told Otis that we‘re going to work on a book together again and that's why he was here.“

“Come here. Don't let it upset you. It's not worth it.“

Jean followed his request and snuggled up at his side.

“You're right, but I can't help but get upset about it. He just goes too far. Most importantly, every lie he tells threatens his relationship with Otis. As you know, it's not very good.“

“Yeah... I know“, he said in a sad tone, painting patterns on her arm with his fingers.

“So... Honestly, I never really believed it would come to the point at which I have to figure out exactly what to do.“

“We can figure it out together. There’s no need to rush anything.“

She looked tearly at him and with a relieved little smile.

“Did you really think I would leave you alone?“, asked Jakob, shaking his head, grumbling.

“I don’t know...“

“Jean“, he lifted her chin „I love you-“

“Jakob-“

He put a finger on her lips.

“and you should know that. I don't expect you to say anything back. You don't always make it easy for me, but I chose you. While we were separated, I had enough time to think about it. So yeah, we’re in this togehter.“

Jakob took his finger off her lips again and she took the opportunity to kiss him. He held her hips and she herself wrapped her arms around his neck as he bent over her. They didn't talk with each other and locked their eyes. She got this strange feeling. Warm and fuzzy.

He kissed her, slowly and with his big hand caressing her cheek. Jean closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of his soft lips, which went from her mouth to her neck. Tender kisses. A light nibble. Beard stubble that grazed that very sensitive spot. Jean sank into that feeling. It felt strangely familiar, but somehow also like something new.

His lips and body moved away from her and she opened her eyes. Their eyes met again. Then she sat up and started unbuttoning his shirt. Usually they both worked very quickly to get rid of their clothes, but this time she took her time. Button by button. She put her hand on his chest, felt his hot skin. Jakob threw the shirt away and carefully pulled her blouse over her head.

They both took of their pants, socks and underwear slowly and without hurry. Then they kissed again. Jean broke the kiss to take of her bra. Her breast were very sensitive and it was much more pleasant if her hard nipples didn't rub against the fabric. Jakob ran his fingers over her sensitive breast and the sensation let her breath in deeply.

"Bad?"

She shook her head "No"

He kissed the breast carefully and she felt his tongue on her nipple. Slowly making circles.

His body was so close to her. _He_ was so close to her, but only his mouth touched her. Jean layed motionless on the bed, breathing heavily. Everything tingled in her and she felt the warm pulsation of her very feminine zone, which was wide awake and wanted more. Oh yes. She wanted more. She wanted _him_.

"Jakob", she said and wrapped her legs around his waist as his face shifted up to kiss her. She pressed herself completely against him and his hard penis found its place between her thighs. It tickled at her skin and teased her. They were so slow. Usually they were anything but slow. It was not bad. No, it even felt good. Different, but good. Only Jean's patience was running out.

She kissed him. Deeper. Demanding. Jakob understood and he loosened her legs carefully from his waist. Then he went back a little. Jean looked him straight in the face and watched his concentrated expression as he slowly slid inside her. She wrapped her legs around his waist again and leaned towards him with her body. Craving his skin on hers. She couldn‘t prevent a pleasurable groan as soon as he finally made the first thrust. He started a slow rhythm.

Jakob took his time and for a while they both enjoyed the slowness. There was time for lazy and deep kisses. Heated looks. That kind of sounded corny and overly romantic, but Jean felt incredibly close to him. Sexually and emotionally.

Of course there was also desire involved. After all it had started with their attraction to each other. But it was more than just lust. More than just pheromones. She knew how it was like without him. The thought that he would leave her again was painful for her. It was scary how much she wanted him. How much she _needed_ him.

The pleasure built up more and more in her and she knew that they both couldn’t wait anymore. With a growl he got faster and she held on to his arms. Meeting his thrusts with circling hips. Only the clash of sweaty skin and their panting could be heard.

He got deeper and she moaned, closing her eyes in pleasure. She felt that he was close and changed the angle so that every time he pushed, his body stimulated her clitoris with the friction of their flesh.

The high of emotions washed through her body and her muscles twitched. Spurred on by her orgasm he became even faster, his face buried in her neck. She felt his warm panting on her skin and put her hands on his butt. Jakob groaned loudly and with a last thrust he released himself inside her.

He stayed in position for a few seconds before he slipped out of her and layed down on his back next to her. They both slowly got their breath back. Jean looked at him and smiled slightly. Jakob loved her and he was here. With her.

Jean laid her head on his chest and listened to his still faster heartbeat. The tension had left her and she had to recover. Her stamina was already diminishing. She was pregnant and also older. That made itself felt.

Yeah, she had no idea what they were doing, but at least they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the nice comments!


End file.
